What I am doing out here, in the middle...

Little soldier,
Little insect
You know war
It has no heart
-"No One Would Riot For Less", Bright Eyes

“I haven’t done this kind of thing in years.” If this were a movie that line would be followed by some ubiquitous anecdote such as “it’s like riding a bike” or perhaps a reference into the recent widowing of a character who is now worried about the appeal of his ass or his antiquated bedroom skills. This isn’t that kind of story.

No, the last time I did this job I was sitting in the office of a Dutch Harbor Police official, sipping fresh brewed tea and pondering to add more sugar. The last time I did this I was wearing a silver-gray dress shirt featuring some emblem sewn into the front pocket, my neck adorned with a color fading tie that reflected alternating shades of blues and grays. The last time I did this, I was introducing a third individual to the officer named Dick who wore a gray mustache on his weathered but pleasant face. Things have changed.

The hole ripped in the crotch of my camouflage pants threatened to flash my black boxers if I wasn’t careful, so I made sure to keep my weapon slung between my legs like a dog’s tail in shame. An old camouflage top with a subdued American flag on the sleeve, it’s edges curling like scorched paper completed the ensemble. Day old stubble and hour old dirt sat expectantly on my jaw line as the words barreled through my head and out my mouth creating some verbal pleasantry for the middle aged Iraqi woman sitting in front of me.

I sat, varied food items strewn across the table, and pretended to care about the things this woman said to me. I pretended to agree with her points of interest, and nodded my head when I thought it was appropriate. I laughed when I should laugh and frowned when I should frown. Because this, as far as I have ever been able to tell, has been my job. The job I haven’t done in ages. The thing I haven’t done in years.

According to the www.goarmy.com website, which sadly was the most used tool I chose to review before deciding to enlist (writing this, a huff of sorrow escapes me in a sigh), the 35L MOS, also known as Counter Intelligence Agent job entails…

• “Conduct CI collection activities and source operations to include overt collection, surveillance and non-technical operations

Whatever that means of course.

But the women, the table between us, the translator involved at times and the Iraqi meal she helped to cook and serve us, it was like a stark reminder of the job I was trained to do. The job I was sent to COB Speicher to accomplish, and the job which leaves me wondering exactly what my purpose is. Because while I am decent with recruiting sources, and remembering those minute details that you need to keep in touch with someone you only met once at a coffee shop, the people we’re putting in danger don’t have enough information for me to truly warrant using them this way. So I distance myself.

[3507, epicenter of Military Intelligence, source operations, and currently, my hatred...]