Memories

I put on this dusty and dirty uniform every day, and I can’t remember why I do it anymore. In the 4 years and 12 days I’ve been a service member so much about myself has changed. So much about everything has changed.

I can’t recall why I first joined, and when I’m asked about it I come up with whatever reasons happens to sit front row in my mind. To pay off student loans, or because if I didn’t I wouldn’t ever forgive myself usually come out of my mouth, but I can’t ever be certain they’re the truth. There are absolute truths revolving around my decision which I am aware of, but they’re so minor as to be negligible in my decision. For a while I joked about just using the military as another way to avoid making any real decisions for a few more years, but the longer I’m here I can’t help but to wonder if that isn’t the truth. College was 4 years of not thinking about the future, and the Army will be at least 5 more of that.

I still play the game though. I don’t complain about my remaining tenure, I smirk at the foolish commands of those surrounding me, and I count my days remaining one by one. I count them until such time as I have to finally decide to do something else.

I’ve never been so…embittered by something I love. The military is an amazing organization, capable of superb thing. Sadly, it is managed into the ground and crippled by itself. I have the potential to change it, to fix that which is wrong, but in order to rise to a position of change I would have to lose sight of the lower level idiocy which runs rampant. And that’s the problem, with those capable of change so removed from that which needs change, there can be no correction of wrong so to speak. So my dilemma becomes, do I try to change that which I think won’t be changeable, or do I walk away from my greatest indecision?

I’ve got 576 days to figure that out. A long time, unless you’ve been counting since 1000 plus. And I have been.

Like I said, I’ve changed. Happy Thanksgiving.