Forward Progress

Sitting in what is essentially a really sweet room, Thin Mints and I were watching Sex Drive, a so-so movie (certainly not as good as the room it was being viewed in) when Mr. Pringles sent out an urgent Yahoo messenger note: “change of plans - game on”. Clover [previously College], who was sitting with us, didn’t know that that meant either. Mr. Pringles elaborated, “mission time”. His typing is horrendous so I questioned what uniform, and then said it might take time for Thin Mints and I to show up because we were naked and covered in lotion. An obvious lie, but one Mr. Pringles never bothered to clarify.

I tossed Clover the room key and grabbed a chocolate chip muffin. After all, why not? It was somewhere near 8 P.M. and this didn’t sound good. We showed up to the office with no motivation except to go finish the movie and maybe drink some energy drinks so that we could stay up all night for zero reason at all. Jibba Jabba and Blue were there also. Shortly later I slowly walked and grabbed Worthless. It was a Team Awesome event!

But only with some of us. Mr. Pringles and Blue stayed back to…explore the Internet, or maybe swat flies. Within 5 minutes I wanted to punch Worthless in the face, and I told him as much. So I told him to go ride in some other vehicle while Jibba Jabba, Thin Mints and I rolled out. Our objective? Well, we didn’t really know that. Thin Mints had a picture of some guy, and a name. He didn’t know what he had done or why we were after him. But we went out anyway.

So our MRAP pulled up to some random place, and Thin Mints and I ran out. And…Stood there. No one else from our truck was coming, so we decided to walk around. We joined up with an infantry squad a minute later, and crouched at a wall. Then we heard some shots. Distant, but present, no one could figure out who had shot them. Without direct guidance as to where we were going, and what house we should raid, we walked pointlessly towards the 9 o’clock position behind the infantry guys. A minute later we realized that we had zero idea what we were doing.

“What are we doing out here?” I asked Thin Mints.
“Walking?” he might have said, but I’m sure his answer was more along the lines of some bad movie cliché. “Welcome to the suck” or perhaps “Black Hawk Down!”.
“Woot” I might have replied, which has never meant anything to me but is fun to say. Try it.

So we kept walking, realizing that we were pulling rear security, and we meandered to a street.

The soldier in charge of the movement asked me if I had any intelligence on our objective, and I told him I had no idea why we even got out of the truck. Then he spotted a house. “We think it’s this one, here.” We were all milling about the area, weapons at the “heavy and I don’t care” stance, floodlights from the houses casting easy illumination on our faces for anyone with a Nintendo level shooting ability to take aim with. Suddenly two sergeants climbed the gate to the suspected house and peered in. They saw nothing.

New Iraqi law says we can’t raid houses without Iraqi Army presence, so we sat down and waited an hour for them to show up. In the meantime, these suspected terrorists, they came to the door and asked us, with hands up, what was going on. So we lured them outside and detained them. Mostly with no reason.

As the Iraqi’s were showing up, Thin Mints let me do some direct questioning (using Worthless, *sigh*) on one of them:

Me: So, hey, how’s it going?
Iraqi: Ok.
M: Are you a member of this gym? [Points across street]
I: I am a co-owner.
M: That’s cool. How many members do you have?
I: 35 or so.
M: How much is membership?
I: 15,000 random currency.
M: Oh. Do you need spotters? Is that like, a rule?
I: No, people have different schedules so you can do what you need to.
M: You look diesel. What was your workout today?
I: I’ve been sick, so I didn’t do one.
M: What will tomorrow be?
I: Upper body. Bench press and pull-downs.
M: What do you do for fun around here?
I: Nothing. There isn’t much fun here, my father is worried so we don’t go out at night.
M: What about a club, or a bar? Where is there one?
I: There isn’t really, nighttime isn’t good here.
M: You don’t go during the day to hang out anywhere?
I: The university sometimes.
M: Of course. When is ladies night?
I: …What?
M: You know, when is the best night to meet ladies?
I: At the university.
M: Fair enough. Is there anything nearby here?
I: A small stand sets up there [points] every day.
M: Is that where you bought your clothes? I like your outfit.
Thin Mints: How big is your pocket?
I: No, clothes are from another area. This pocket is fake.
M: Boo. So you don’t go and dance with the ladies then?
I: No, I like them, but no.
M: Do people dance around here?
I: Only in their houses really, privately.
M: Do you dance?
I: Me? No. [laughs]
M: C’mon, I know you can dance. You’re probably good at it.
I: No, not at all.
M: Do you want lessons?
I: No.
M: Would you trade me a gym membership, if I gave you dance lessons?
I: I have the key, you can just go in there.
M: That isn’t what I want. Do you have the internet?
I: No.
M: Will you be my friend on Facebook?
I: I don’t know what that is.
M: Oh. Well, have a nice night. Sorry about the detaining and stuffs.

At this point the Iraqi Army had shown up, so we all went and looked around some random houses. When people weren’t home, we followed business as usual and went to the next house. In the middle of this some intelligence filtered it’s way down that we had a better idea of where to look, so we moved to a new neighborhood.

After a few more houses, we gave up and left. But here, have some bullet points!

Bulleted highlights from another random mission:

*Thin Mints gets struck in mouth by flying water bottle

*Commander asks me if I checked the shadows, and I tell him, “Sir, I literally have no idea what you are talking about”

*Soldier approaches Thin Mints and I and says the call came down from higher, “Kilo Foxtrot.” Neither Thin Mints nor I know what this means so the guy decides on Kill Freddy and calls it up saying, “Kill Freddy I say again we have a Kill Freddy”

*Random Iraqi soldier walks next to me and starts drinking Gatorade while pointing at his bicep and smiling

*Mr. Pringles tells me it was his call for Kilo Foxtrot and I tell him I want to punch him in the mouth

*Soldier leans on car in alley and it rolls away, takes 4 to catch it and push it back

*Thin tree yields limes, grab two and give one to Blue later

*Jibba Jabba searches a female detainee and I chime in with, “The angriest little soldier…” as she glares everywhere

*Surprisingly, every soldier and commander on site listened patiently and understandingly to Thin Mints and I, and even heeded our advice. Forward progress, baby.