The Scream

The Scream, released for the day, heads to his CHU. After 40 minutes of waiting, he returns to the office and demands to know the whereabouts of his roommate, 68. Thin Mints informs The Scream that 68 went to get a haircut, but after that who knows. 68 might be eating, or working out, or digging for buried treasure. He could have wandered off the FOB and into a lake – only one thing was certain, he was not at his room.

Goblin King, observing this exchange, declares that Thin Mints will accompany The Scream to FOB Marez Billeting, where keys are issued out. The Scream, lacking understanding of recent events, protests that 68 must be found, because he retains the key to their room. Goblin King and Thin Mints inform The Scream that they will get him a new key. This method of tact fails – The Scream demands to know where 68 has gone. After a few mumbled exchanges, Thin Mints accompanies The Scream towards billeting.

After walking a meager fifty feet, The Scream demands to know how Thin Mints and he would find 68. Thin Mints, exasperated, sighs and says, “Why do we need to find 68? We’re going to get you a new key.”
To which The Scream replies, “How will they give me a new key without 68’s key to copy?”
Thin Mints, quips, “they’re going to give you a whole new key”, and treads on in exasperation.

Completing the trek in silence, Thin Mints and The Scream arrive at FOB Marez Billeting, where sitting upon the counter is a thin metallic clipboard cover, with KBR Employees Only, Key Control Log printed in clear, crisp lettering. The Scream ignores this obvious warning and strides straight to the counter, flipping open the binder and eyeing it wantonly. While The Scream had been flipping through the restricted binder, an employee of billeting had been walking to the counter. Seeing that The Scream was in blatant disregard for the rules governing the binder, she slammed the binder shut and yelled, “Stop looking – that has nothing to do with you!”

The Scream, sensing her overt attention, laughed a laugh only possessed by true foreigners, and informed her that he needed a “key to his room”, pronounced rhee to ry rhoom.

Eyebrows risen in suspicion, the woman of Middle Eastern descent asks what rooms the two of them are in. Thin Mints says J1, The Scream says J6. Put off by having to accommodate Thin Mints and The Scream, the lady asks some qualifying questions.

“Did you lose your key, or did you break it?”
“Neither, I just got here 4 days ago and wasn’t given a key, my roommate has one,” Thin Mints might have said.
The Scream however, definitely said, “I got in yesterday, I need a key.”
The woman, starting to ignore The Scream, asked for the room numbers again. J1, and J6 respectively, she then asked to know what pad the rooms belonged to.
“Pad?” asked Thin Mints, while The Scream uselessly offered, “J6?”
“Yes, J6, but what pad is it on?” she volleyed.
Thin Mints, realizing he had no idea, asked for a map to point at it. His finger on the mark, the woman nodded her agreement and said, “C pad”.
The Scream, still not understanding, stated as fact, “J6.”
Ignoring him, she takes Thin Mints ID card, and shuffles off to her computer. After typing in some information, she informs him that he isn’t in their system, and he needs for his 1SG to email her the room information so that she can input it into the system, and then issue them out keys. On the subject, who is your 1SG, she asks.
“Uhm, I’m not really sure,” says Thin Mints.

Her expression turns from mild annoyance to complete disbelief. Knowing that his answer makes no sense, she tries another path: “What company are you in?”
“Uh, I don’t know. Technically Headquarters and Headquarters Company, maybe? I’m kind of unsure.”
Looking at them like they are idiots, she politely informs them that she needs their 1SG to email them with a list of who is in their rooms, so that billeting can update the roster.

Thin Mints tells her that he knows who is in the rooms, but the lady insists that it must come from their 1SG. The Scream, keying in at last to the topic of conversation, says that he knows who is in the room. The woman, shifting her gaze back to him at last, says again that it must come from their 1SG. The Scream, not to be deterred, says, “But I know who is in the rooms, why can’t I tell you?”

The lady ignores him. He tries again, a different approach: “I need key; I can’t get into my room.”

Her attitude is stoic, her response canned. “You need to get your 1SG to email a list of who is in what room to me.”

The Scream tries again, “I can call her,” clearly referencing a 1SG not even on this FOB. The woman, unaware of this, says to go ahead and call her. The Scream, only mildly off subject, offers up both the 1SGs address and phone number. Thin Mints chimes in, “The Scream, is that a DSN or SVOIP phone number?”

[Note – a DSN line is the military’s private network, with real number and real phones but strange methods of dialing, and traditionally capable of only dialing other DSN phones. SVOIP is a Secret level telephone system, basically a DSN with a clearance.]

The phone number The Scream had offered was an SVOIP number. The woman, glancing around at the other workers, says that everyone in the billeting office is a civilian, and therefore denied access to SVOIP phones so they can’t call. The Scream declares, “We need to call 1SG from here so we can get keys now.”

Thin Mints, trying to head off the danger before it arrives, cuts off the woman who again is trying to explain to The Scream that SVOIP phones can’t connect to DSN phones, and says thanks, but we’ll be back. He then rushes The Scream out of the door. While exiting, The Scream sees a door nearby. The sign reads Break Room, and four civilian workers walk out as he watches. He turns to Thin Mints and suggests going inside to find a phone.

Thin Mints glares, and says no. The pair starts to return to the office, but two buildings away The Scream see a new door. He informs Thin Mints and says that they should try that door. Thin Mints points out that there is a KBR sign on the door. It is clearly a civilian contractor building. Therefore, they would not have an SVOIP phone, which is Secret level.
The Scream, laughing his laugh, says that he knows what SVOIP is. “I know. I know.”

When asked later he would claim it was a horrible experience, but standing there in the dirt and gravel, staring at a door clearly not leading to anything they needed, Thin Mints, glared at The Scream and walked away.